Thought I died and Gone to Heaven
by forsaken2003
Summary: Spike contemplates on his relationship with Xander


Title: Thought I Died and Gone to Heaven

Author: Forsaken2003

Pairing: S/X

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon  
Comments: Always welcomed!

Summary: Spike contemplates on his relationship with Xander

Warnings/Spoilers: End of season 5 just after Buffy sacrificed herself to save the world

Song: "Thought I Died and Gone to Heaven" lyrics by Bryan Adams and Robert John

Beta'd by: Dragonfly_64

Spike ran a hand over Xander's bare arm as he watched him sleep. This was all so new to him; he had never felt like this before.

_Love is forever - as I lie awake  
Beside you  
I believed - there's no heaven  
No hideaway - for the lonely_

The way Xander made him feel over the last few months was something he never even thought could exist.

_But I was wrong - crazy  
It's gotta be strong_

_It's gotta be right_

He watched as Xander mumbled his name in his sleep and snuggled into his pillow. Spike never imagined that he would find one of the slayers friends so strong and brave with the biggest heart he'd ever met. Hell he never in a million years would have thought that a big heart would be a quality he would look for in a lover.

_Only wanted to stay a while  
Only wanted to play a while  
Then you taught me to fly like a bird_

Spike never thought that whatever he had going on with Xander would last as long as it had. After Buffy sacrificed herself to save her sister and the rest of man kind, Anya ran off leaving a heart-broken Xander and an equally heart-broken Spike. It didn't seem so strange that they would console each other with each other's losses. When they ended up in bed together, Spike decided that it was the best way to keep his mind off of Buffy. But it ended up being so much more.

_Baby - thought I'd died and gone to heaven  
Such a night I never had before  
Thought I'd died and gone to heaven  
Cause what I got there ain't no cure for_

The first time they slept together it was hard and fast. The only word that Spike could use to describe it was animalistic. The second time though, it was different. Something Spike had never experienced before. When Xander touched him, even when he just kissed him it felt as if Xander was worshipping his body. That was how it was from that point on.

_Ooo it's so easy  
What you do to me all night angel  
I never loved - I swear to God  
Never needed no one, 'til you came along_

Spike was sure he had been in love with Drusilla. She gave him a second chance at life; a chance to do it right. He was no longer the meek poet that was criticized his entire human existence. He owed the crazy seer everything that led up to this point in his life. If it hadn't been for her, he never would have met Xander.

_I feel fast asleep - I feel drunk  
I dream the sweetest dreams  
Never wanna wake up_

He knew he could never tell Xander that he loved him for fear that he'd lose him. Maybe all his insecurities didn't leave him when he died that night in the dirty alley. Spike could live with delusions that Xander loved him back and that his life was complete.

_Never thought it could be this way  
No doubt about it - can't live without it,  
Never thought it could be this good  
You made love to me - like it oughta be_

Xander rolled over again, snuggling up to Spike's body. He pried an eye open catching Spike starting at him. "Everything alright, Spike?" He asked worried that something was wrong.

"Everything is fine, luv." Spike smiled assuring Xander that everything was alright and that his heart wasn't breaking.

"Okay, Spike," Xander said before falling silent making Spike think he had fallen back into a peaceful sleep. "Hey, Spike?"

Spike looked down to see both Xander's eyes open. A shine in them that he never seen before. "Yeah, pet?"

"You know I love you right?" Xander asked softly.

"Now I do, Xander," Spike leaned down kissing Xander's temple. "I love you too."

Xander gave a sleepy smile, "I already knew."

"Go back to sleep luv," Spike whispered.

"Kay," Xander tucked his head under Spike's chin.

Spike didn't even mind that he wasn't comfortable and that when he was able to move again he would be cramped. Xander loved him and that was all that mattered to him.

_Thought I'd died and gone to heaven_

The End


End file.
